Body Weight Deadlifts

Anyone who has known me for any period of time probably knows I'm a fairly emotional person, and I wear my emotions on my sleeves. I try really hard not to act based on my emotions, and I think that 80% of the time I don't.

Along with that comes crying. I'm kind of a crier. I don't understand it. I cry when I'm happy. I cry when I'm sad. I'm cry when I'm insecure. I cry when I get what I want. I cry when I don't get what I want. I cry when I fail. I cry when I succeed. I cry when other people cry. One time when I got detention I cried. (Cried so hard my friends thought someone had died. Ha!) I cry. Just the way life is. I try really hard to keep it together,and generally I'm fairly successful. Because the only thing worse than crying is having other people see you cry. Ha! Seriously, I feel like such an idiot when people are like "Oh, Stefani." It's totally not an attention seeking kind of thing, it's completely uncontrollable, and I just want to get it together without anyone saying anything.

I'm finding that this maybe isn't as abnormal as I think it is. Apparently some other people are criers. I like to think it means that we have the biggest hearts. POWER TO THE CRIERS!!!

Today, I lost it. Which I sometimes will let myself do when I'm alone. It kind of empties out the pools behind my eyes. Makes it easier to get it together later. Seriously though... It's ridiculous I know.

I'm sure you're wondering... What upset Princess Stefani so bad? Well here is how it went in the mind of Stefani...

8:30 AM: Ah, gonna WOD this morning. Wonder what it is... Oh, that's not too bad... WAIT... Partner Deadlifts at 65% of TOTAL BODY WEIGHT.

***Instant tears*** If I go in not only do I have to tell someone how much I weigh, but then I have to put in on a bar for the whole world to see. Everyone will know that our bar is heavier because of me. I can't go in there. I can't do that. I'm not going in.

I don't understand why we have to do things based on body weight? Can anything be more humiliating? Is it really that hard to just come up with a number for everyone?

Why do I have to be so insecure? I know these people don't care. I guess you can't just ignore 24+ years of shame and complete insecurity surrounding your weight.

Now, I'm a hot mess. There's no way I can go in. I will cry all WOD. Saturdays are supposed to be fun, and if I go in right now other people will not have fun. I can't ruin it for everyone.

***I didn't go in***

*******

As the day went on I just felt like crap. I didn't get in my Saturday WOD. The one social thing I can count on every weekend with some of my only friends in Twin Falls had come and gone and I didn't have the confidence to go in. The one place that always can make me feel better made me feel like shit today.

I know it's no one's fault. I know that boxes all over the country do lifts based on weight, and CrossFit won't change it's ways because I can't handle the shame.

BUT I've had a sad, lonely, endorphin-less, crying heart all day.

I feel like in this journey of CrossFit and being healthy every time I take two 2 forward (I was finally out of my 3 week funk) I take 3 steps back. I'm looking forward to the day that I can look every WOD in the face. When I can talk about my weight without shame. I just wish it was sooner. I just wish it would have been today.

Like I tell everyone... The trick is to not give up. So, I'll keep on keeping on.

Even though I must say today I wanted nothing more than to join a globo gym, because when you do things by yourself these kind of insecurities don't come into play.