Balance

People who know me. Really know me. Know a few things to be true:

1. Am the least graceful person in the world.
2. I am an extremist.

I literally struggle to find balance in my life. I think that last week I realize that in my attempts to find balance, I actually found another extreme. When I first moved here I was so anti-social and all about work. Then I started Cross Fit and I was so excited to have new friends and something that I could do that made me happy. I mean, really, how awesome is that? Last week I realize that maybe I have now taken that too far. Don't get me wrong I love Cross Fit and I love my friends, BUT (apparently) there is a life outside of Cross Fit.

I've decided that I can do Cross Fit but not be so extreme about it. I mean, let's be honest, there were times that I would leave work early to Cross Fit. That is the behavior of an addict. Which, I definitely know that I am one. In fact I'm glad I've never tried meth or cocaine, because I'd probably spiral so far out of control it'd be terrible.

If I miss a day because something else is going on. Then I miss a day. If I miss a day because I'm tired. Then I miss a day. I love seeing results, but do I really need to see them right now? I have to enjoy life. I have to see what life has to offer outside the gym.

This applies to eating too. I either feel extremely guilty about what I eat or I say "fuck it!" and eat like a crazy person for days. There has to be some kind of balance in this too!

So, I'm attempting again. I'm going to find balance. Work 40 hours a week. Cross Fit 5. Relax a little. Go out a little. Laugh a lot. This is going to be good.

Twin Falls

It's been just over a year since I took my job in Twin Falls. About this time last year I was only working part time in Twin Falls and part time in Boise, and I was doing way to much mother effing driving!!!

Many of you know that I NEVER wanted to live here. EVER. Not even if I was dying. I pretty much hated my life for the next 6+ months. It wasn't good. I put on like 20ish pounds. That's my estimate at least. I avoided the scale like a plague. I cried. A lot. I did not want to be here. 

In March I decided I'd act like an effing adult and make the best out of this situation. I took a risk and joined CrossFit, and since then I've seen a light at the end of the tunnel. That's one of the reasons I love CrossFit so much. CrossFit combined with the amazing people at The Pack pulled me out of a dark place.

Since then I think that Twin Falls has tricked me into liking it here. When I think about moving I just can't seem to really want to do it. I think of all that I'd be leaving behind, and I realize that I've got a lot going for me here. Oddly enough.

Since moving here I have been asked "So, how's Twin Falls?" My answers usually rain from "Oh, it's Twin." to "It's getting better, but it's still Twin." 

I made a decision this weekend that I will not be negative about Twin Falls anymore! 

I have a good job here. I am close to my family. I have made some amazing friends. I have my own house. People move miles for living situations like this. Twin may not be fantastic. It's definitely not designed for us single folks. Sometimes I run into people from my past that bring back some crazy memories. BUT there are flaws with every city. 

So, from now on if you ask me how Twin Falls is I will eat crow and respond with, "I like it." or "I'm glad to be close to my family." or "Good! I really have met some great people." 

If I don't... Smack Me!

Fact of the matter is that I'll probably be here for at least a few more years, so I might as well settle in and get ready for the ride! :) 

Throwback Thursday

I had an interesting Throwback Thursday. I found these when I was unpacking some boxes from back in the day. These are note cards from about 10+ people in my youth group/youth group leadership in high school. 

I found these and I was not sure if I wanted to read them. I wondered if it would hurt when I read them. I wondered if I would cry.

I decided to read them though. I have very odd feelings towards them. 

Just to catch you up on the last bit of my life here's a quick timeline. 

Middle School - 1st Semester of Sr. Year: Super involved in youth group/church. 

2nd Semester of Sr. Year: Started drinking the sauce, being rebellious, experimenting a bit, and stopped participating in youth group to avoid judgement. 

Freshman Year of College: Borderline alcoholic at a private liberal arts college. 

Summer after Freshman Year: Realized I needed to change something. Decided to pursue dreams of being a youth minister. 

1st Semester Sophomore Year of College: Went to Bible College. Was miserable. Felt so out of place. Felt the judgement seeping out of everyone there. Almost nobody had any kind of life experience and were obviously scared of what they didn't know. (drinking, homosexuals, etc.) I started participating in some very self destructive behavior. 

2nd Semester Sophomore Year of College - 1st Senior Year: Enjoyed my time. Prayed and believed in God. Had an intense fear of church. Couldn't go into a church without tears. 

2nd Senior Year: Found a church that really showed love. Participated regularly. Church felt like "home" again. 

Graduated: Moved. Still have yet to find a church to really call my home. 

Ok, everyone caught up??? 

So, in the process of all this I felt really abandoned by most of my youth group I was so close to and by the leadership. I felt that because I wasn't making choices they agreed with I was chopped liver. 

In reading these notes I think I know why. 

We all hung out a lot. We were always together a lot, but most of us didn't really know each other. We knew the "front" we all put on at church. ALL of the notes talked about my "joy" and how "happy" I am. True... I am that still most days. But I have other emotions. Did they ever know about the frustrations I had in high school? Did they really know about the struggles I faced? As minor as they may be in the big scheme of things. Did I feel comfortable even sharing those things? I don't really remember. Knowing myself, however, I imagine I was pretty afraid to show the real me too much. I was at church. I was kind of feeling a leadership role in the Youth Group. I had to be flawless right? 

In working with the kids I do I've learned one thing... Kids aren't perfect If kids are acting like they're perfect there is definitely more to the story.

There were a few people in the group that knew me pretty dang well, and who have stayed by my side through it all and I love them so very much. Their notes made me giggle. :)

I guess it's unfair of me to have expected people who didn't really know me to stay by my side. I wasn't the person they thought they knew. 

These letters made me realize (again) my dream for churches everywhere. 

I have a dream that one day where all churches will be a place of genuine love. A place where there is no judgement. Where correction is only approached through relationships and love. A place where anyone (homosexual, drug addict, prostitute, etc.) can walk in and feel loved and accepted. I know there are some places like this, but they're far and few between. Well for this area at least. I think that too many churches have forgotten that love is the most important commandment, and they aren't called to be judges. 

Also, while I'm on it the hate the sin and love the sinner saying is BULL SHIT!!! Seriously, how can you really love the "sinner" while you're actively hating what they do??? If you don't like what they're doing that's fine. It's also OK to be passive about it until a relationship is built. There is a big difference between me "hating" someone using drugs and me choosing not to participate with them and recognizing it's a hurdle they have to chose to overcome. 

Any who, there is my religious rant for today.