Throwback Thursday

I had an interesting Throwback Thursday. I found these when I was unpacking some boxes from back in the day. These are note cards from about 10+ people in my youth group/youth group leadership in high school. 

I found these and I was not sure if I wanted to read them. I wondered if it would hurt when I read them. I wondered if I would cry.

I decided to read them though. I have very odd feelings towards them. 

Just to catch you up on the last bit of my life here's a quick timeline. 

Middle School - 1st Semester of Sr. Year: Super involved in youth group/church. 

2nd Semester of Sr. Year: Started drinking the sauce, being rebellious, experimenting a bit, and stopped participating in youth group to avoid judgement. 

Freshman Year of College: Borderline alcoholic at a private liberal arts college. 

Summer after Freshman Year: Realized I needed to change something. Decided to pursue dreams of being a youth minister. 

1st Semester Sophomore Year of College: Went to Bible College. Was miserable. Felt so out of place. Felt the judgement seeping out of everyone there. Almost nobody had any kind of life experience and were obviously scared of what they didn't know. (drinking, homosexuals, etc.) I started participating in some very self destructive behavior. 

2nd Semester Sophomore Year of College - 1st Senior Year: Enjoyed my time. Prayed and believed in God. Had an intense fear of church. Couldn't go into a church without tears. 

2nd Senior Year: Found a church that really showed love. Participated regularly. Church felt like "home" again. 

Graduated: Moved. Still have yet to find a church to really call my home. 

Ok, everyone caught up??? 

So, in the process of all this I felt really abandoned by most of my youth group I was so close to and by the leadership. I felt that because I wasn't making choices they agreed with I was chopped liver. 

In reading these notes I think I know why. 

We all hung out a lot. We were always together a lot, but most of us didn't really know each other. We knew the "front" we all put on at church. ALL of the notes talked about my "joy" and how "happy" I am. True... I am that still most days. But I have other emotions. Did they ever know about the frustrations I had in high school? Did they really know about the struggles I faced? As minor as they may be in the big scheme of things. Did I feel comfortable even sharing those things? I don't really remember. Knowing myself, however, I imagine I was pretty afraid to show the real me too much. I was at church. I was kind of feeling a leadership role in the Youth Group. I had to be flawless right? 

In working with the kids I do I've learned one thing... Kids aren't perfect If kids are acting like they're perfect there is definitely more to the story.

There were a few people in the group that knew me pretty dang well, and who have stayed by my side through it all and I love them so very much. Their notes made me giggle. :)

I guess it's unfair of me to have expected people who didn't really know me to stay by my side. I wasn't the person they thought they knew. 

These letters made me realize (again) my dream for churches everywhere. 

I have a dream that one day where all churches will be a place of genuine love. A place where there is no judgement. Where correction is only approached through relationships and love. A place where anyone (homosexual, drug addict, prostitute, etc.) can walk in and feel loved and accepted. I know there are some places like this, but they're far and few between. Well for this area at least. I think that too many churches have forgotten that love is the most important commandment, and they aren't called to be judges. 

Also, while I'm on it the hate the sin and love the sinner saying is BULL SHIT!!! Seriously, how can you really love the "sinner" while you're actively hating what they do??? If you don't like what they're doing that's fine. It's also OK to be passive about it until a relationship is built. There is a big difference between me "hating" someone using drugs and me choosing not to participate with them and recognizing it's a hurdle they have to chose to overcome. 

Any who, there is my religious rant for today.