1. I hope you understand that you don't have to get your life together before you get healthy. By getting healthy, you may find what you need to get your life together.
2. There are dark holes in life. You can sit in them and rot, or you can make moves to get out. If you make moves to get out, your life may turn out more amazing then you dreamed.
I took a job in Twin Falls at the end of July. I REALLY did not want to move to the Magic Valley, but figured that I would be here 2 years and leave. It was a good job, good supervisor, good benefits... What can 2 years hurt right?
I decided to buy a house in the process, because (as I'm sure many of you know) I'm an extremist. If I'm going to move to a place I don't like, I'm going to buy a house. Yea, the logic is lost on me too. Ha!
So, as I'm in the process of buying a house (which, by the way, can be a very stressful process) I'm also commuting from Gooding to Twin Falls every day, and living with my parents. Now, anyone ho knows my parents know that they are freaking fantastic. Seriously, amazing. Most people who has ever lived with their parents after living on their own for 5 years will tell you that even if your parents shit butterflies, it's not the ideal situation. I was miserable. Absolutely miserable.
I was trying to learn a new job. I was a 23 year old girl who just graduated from college, taking the position of a social worker who had been in the job for almost 10 years and been in the field for far longer, I was making decisions that people who have worked in the juvenile justice system for 10+ years didn't always agree with, and I was trying to learn the quarks of a new district (because I was essentially trained in Ada County). It was stressful. At the same time I'm working on buying a house and getting a mortgage. I really had no idea what I was doing (thank goodness for my patient Realtor and banker). I was the definition of a hot mess. Maybe even minus the "hot" part because I was putting on weight fast.
It got to the point where I was constantly fighting tears. I know that we've established that I cry a lot, but this was different. This was like, "I'm going to cry because I exist" type crying. I would sob on the 45 minute drive home every night. I even began having panic attacks, which I'd never had before. I had pretty much isolated myself from all my friends and had no interest in making new ones.
I finally had a conversation/crying session with my mom, and told her that I needed anti-anxiety medication because I just couldn't handle any more. I remember telling her, "I have to start completely over in the one place I hate and the one place I never wanted to live." She certainly didn't argue with me, and we went and saw my doctor. I definitely self-diagnosed myself, but my doctor agreed and gave me 3 months worth of anti-depressants. I was determined to keep it to only 3 months. They helped. They helped so much. I really do encourage anyone who is experiencing a stressful time to really seek help, because it can help. But I digress.
At the beginning of December I finally closed on my house. December 3rd to be exact. I was so excited, and so relieved! We painted my house and I moved in a few weeks before Christmas. I can't tell you how good it felt to be in my own space and be able to get settled.
I knew that I need to get the rest of my life together as well. I knew I need to start working out again, especially if I was going to be off my anti-depressants. At the end of December I bought an elliptical, and January 1st I started using it. My first day I did 10 minutes and almost died, but I kept at it. I also tried to change what I was eating. I continued with this through February. I was using the elliptical every day, about, and I had gotten up to 1 hour on my elliptical. I even got off the anti-depressants.
Then I started to get bored. I started doing some other work outs, but I knew that if I didn't get someone to ride my ass soon I would be over it. I also knew that I needed friends. I had essentially gone over 6 months with very few social interactions. &&& I NEED my social interactions. I decided that I might be able to kill two birds with one stone. I started looking into gyms and personal training and my cousin told me about Cross-fit and that her friends did it in Twin. I looked into it. I was a little confused on how the pricing worked, and (no joke) thought it was a $400 a month activity. I figured that couldn't be right though, so I went in to check it out. I remember asking Kristin a few minutes into my first day "Ummm, it's only $90 a month right, not $90 a week?" I'm pretty sure laughed at me and assured me that I would not be paying $400 a month.
After the first day, I was hooked. I went straight to the store to buy better shoes and new work out clothes. DUH! Since then it's been nothing but up! Well I guess I've had my bumps, but really nothing major. I've met some awesome friends. Seriously, they are the funniest most caring group of people I've ever been around. I'm arguably in the best shape of my life. I don't think I could have done a Cross-fit work out like I did today, even when I was in the middle of a basketball season in high school. I'm stronger, and all around healthier.
I've also changed my eating habits. I remember at one point telling Kristin "I will never be able to eat just meat and vegetables or do any kind of an extreme diet." In May I proved myself wrong and went 24 days without eating any food that wasn't Paleo. I've been working on maintaining that lifestyle since. Seriously though, I just ate Chicken and Brussels Sprouts dinner... and liked it!
Don't get me wrong... I still cry cuz I'm a freaking baby. This is at a normal place though. It's not painful crying. It's frustrated, happy, proud, and angry crying, but not overwhelming internal pain type crying.
I literally NEVER dreamed that I would EVER be in this place. I never thought my life would fall together here. I was planning to count my days until I could move. I never thought I'd be so freakin' strong and healthy, or even love it as much as I do. Seriously, I just did 195# dead lifts in a work out, because I can. I feel amazing. I'm starting my masters. And I honestly can't imagine being anywhere else in my life at this point. I will often say "Crossfit changed my life", and I think that to an extent it did. More importantly I changed my own life. I saw the hole I was in, and I fought to get out. I have worked freakin' hard this year to be in a better place, and here I am.
And in closing... Big thanks to all my friends and family who have helped me along this journey. Those in Twin and those who aren't in Twin. I really have had good people by my side the whole way, even if I didn't always acknowledge it.
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