Do I need those numbers?

Ok... I'm going to say it... 

I look effing fantastic. 

I posted this on Facebook on March 13. My one year Crossfit Anniversary. There are so many things in this picture that show me how far I've come.

- My lunge is all the way to the ground. 

- My face is way slimmer. 

- My boobs have shrunk.

- You can see definition in my back calf.

- My giant roll is less giant.

-I'm wearing shorts and a tank top! (Two things I would not workout in for the first little bit.)

It's all so exciting! 

Then there is this picture...

And this picture...

That dress is an Extra Large &&& it fits! I didn't squeeze in it. You couldn't see every indentation of every roll. I could breath in it. I could dance in it. I was 100% comfortable in that dress.

This time last year I would have been suffocating in that dress, assuming I could get it on. And it certainly wouldn't even begin to look good on me. 

I know that I have come SO FAR this year and I know that next year I will see these pictures say the same thing. (Because this story isn't over folks!!!)

There is still the ever present question... "How much weight have you lost?" 

As of November I had lost a total of 24lbs. My assumption is that I'm up to somewhere around 30lbs, but I have no idea. NO IDEA! 

The first time I allowed myself to be weighed in this journey was March 20th, 2013. Since then there have been a few teary weigh ins. Sometimes happy tears. Sometimes tears of frustration with myself because I had fallen off the wagon. This week I could get my official 1 year numbers, and I know that I've been doing really well lately.

For the last few weeks I've been asking, "Do I really want those numbers? Do I need those numbers? What would I do with those numbers?"

Do I want those numbers? Yes, I want to see how far I've come. &&& No, because if I haven't lost as much as I think I've lost I'll be super upset. 

Do I need those numbers? No. Those numbers will not change the fact that I rocked that dress last night. Those numbers will not change who I am. Those numbers will not be able tell me anything that I don't already know. I know when my diet is on and when it's off. Those numbers don't have to tell me that. 

What would I do with those numbers? Hide them or post them on here. Maybe brag about them. Maybe cry about them. Pretty much nothing productive. I wouldn't be proving anything that people can't see. I don't have a "goal weight", so the information is pretty much pointless to me. 

That being said... I will NOT step on the scale this week. I'm happy, why ruin that? I know what I need to do. I know what I'm doing. I'm just going to keep on keeping on.

If there is a reason to weigh myself sometime in the next year, I might do it. BUT for now I'm content with the progress I know I've made.

BAM! 

Church Choice

Blogging when I've been partaking in adult beverages isn't always my thing... But it is tonight! 

I kind of had a... Duh! Moment... 

So I'm sure some know this about me, BUT church gives me intense anxiety. Especially new churches. I know, I know... Why so I torture myself? Because I know that a supportive and loving church family cannot be replaced. I believe that the fellowship is important. I don't always see eye to eye with the Church, but I still believe that church has it's place. 

I have decided to go to church every Sunday of Lent, so I thought I would try some out... Last week I went to a new church and had super high anxiety. I spent the entire time holding back tears. I was just so nervous, intimidated, etc. It stunk. I could have gone with people, but I didn't want to feel obligated to continue there if I didn't enjoy it. 

Tonight, I was thinking about church tomorrow and where to go. I thought... If I have to go to church then I'm just going to Light House. I've gone a few times there. Then I thought... Duh! Obviously on some level I enjoy that church and feel comfortable there or I wouldn't want to go there. I had some reservations (that aren't blog appropriate), but I decided that it's not about those. It's about me and God and where I fit. I think that's where I fit. SO... Tomorrow I will be at Light House! Next year, maybe I'll get involved or something! 

I'm kind of excited to choose a church... Hopefully tomorrow is full of excitement and not anxiety... 

PS: I have read my Bible everyday of Lent incase you were wondering! 

1 Happy Year!

You give me smiles. 

You inspire laughter. 

You encourage me to be a better person. 

You stand by my side as I fight my demons. 

You help me remove "I can't" from my dictionary. 

You stand by me as I cried through the pain. 

You sometimes even join me in my pain.

You hear me sing and haven't voted me off the island (yet).

You watch me dance and still haven't voted me off the island.

You see me in my least attractive moments and still love me. 

You made me feel beautiful. 

You taught me to he confident in who I am.

You give me friendship I never knew existed. 

You are the longest, healthiest relationship I've ever had.

You are The Pack!

My love poem to The Pack! It's been a fantastic year with fantastic friends! Happy Anniversary! 

More than a body...

So I read a couple of blogs yesterday that ROCKED MY WORLD! (Here & Here they are!) Seriously, this chick like rocked my world. Everything she had to say was so true. It was like she climbed into my head through my ears and put my thoughts on paper. While our issues with our bodies aren’t the exact same… they are similar! &&& if there’s anything I’ve learned since starting Crossfit is that we all have our battles with our bodies. It doesn’t matter if we’re big or little. Everyone has the potential to have issues with their body.

So, yesterday I was talking to some friends about these articles, because we all have the same concerns. (See above sentence. Ha!)

 Then I was doing a lot of thinking about it all. (I always am thinking. ALWAYS!) My WHOLE life I’ve defined myself by my body. Now, I’m in a world where we still tend to define ourselves by our bodies! It’s much different, and I know that my friends that I work out with love me for more than my body (maybe). Still… When we look at our bodies, each other’s bodies, or even top Crossfit athletes’ bodies we still make comments. “Look at those abs.” “Man, I want her legs.” “Can I just be her?” It’s not bad, infect it’s completely positive and good. And I really don’t think it’s a bad thing. If the whole world could talk about bodies like that we’ll be better people.

BUT…

Then it hit me. I AM MORE THAN JUST MY BODY! Seriously, body love is great! Appreciating your body is super! Getting stronger is fantastic! Wearing smaller clothes is cool! BUT at the end of the day I am more than my body!

I am a social worker. I help kids! I am smart (though I lack common sense, ha!). I am out going. (I think) I am funny. I am nice. I am caring. I am the best damn Chihuahua mom.

I am SO MUCH MORE THAN MY BODY! Why do I continue to let my body define me? I always defined myself as “fat.” Now I take great pride in being “strong.” I take great pride in my developing ass. (Seriously, it’s going to be fabulous!) BUT my body fails me. Sometimes I get hurt. Sometimes my body just doesn’t work the way I want it to. Tomorrow a tragedy could strike and my lifting could go away. Tomorrow things could change. When I’m 80 my skin will be wrinkly. I’m pretty sure my fellow old people won’t care about the fabulousness of my ass. My hair will be grey. Regardless of what we do, there is still aging that takes place. If all I care about is my body, then what will have then? NOTHING!

I HAVE to be more than a body. We HAVE to be more than our bodies. Because at the end of the day, our bodies aren’t what matters.

I want people to know me as someone who is kind. Someone who made them smile. Someone who made their day brighter. Someone who helped when no one else would. Someone who was generous. That is far more important than what my body is. I always wanted to be more than the “fat chick.” Now, I need to remember that I am more than the strength of my muscles. I am Stefani and I am fabulous.

So, here’s what I did…

Yup, that’s right… I put hearts where my body is in my mirror, because I love my body… but I AM SO MUCH MORE! I am strong & I am beautiful! What I wear and what I look like means nothing in the grand scheme of things.

I hope everyone remembers… YOU are more than just a body!

Lent

I've been thinking hard about Lent and what to give up. 

Also, I've been thinking about this blog and how I was going to defend my decision to participate in Lent, given that I'm not catholic and have got to church 3-ish times in the last year. I also felt like I needed to defend my Jesus loving to people who don't love him. I've decided that I am not judgmental of anyone else's choices to participate in religion however they choose, and I hope that people pay me the same respect. We each do things our own way, so I'm going to continue to do things my way. I don't have to defend my decisions, and won't. 

That being said... back to my point... 

I've been thinking hard about Lent and what to give up. I just really couldn't think of anything... Well maybe I could think of things, and the willingness factor wasn't there... Very possible... I did, however, decide that I would be a rebel (you know, cuz I do me) and add something for Lent. 

For the next 40 days I am going to read the Bible, and every Sunday I will be in church. That will be the hard part. I already want to give myself excuses... You know... I'll be in church... Unless I'm sick... I'll be in church... unless I'm in Gooding... 

A. We all know that I don't like to be sick, and probably do more than I should when I'm sick anyways so not going to church is not a good excuse. (Ok if I'm puking or highly contagious I won't go, but that is over with so I should be good! &&& if that happens I have a super cool church who does podcasts)

B. If I'm in Gooding on a Friday night, I still manage to make it to Crossfit by 9 AM on Saturday SO I can probably make it to church in that situation. I also here that there are churches in Gooding, you know if I'm desperate. 

Why??? Because I do love Jesus. Church and the Bible keep me grounded. I need to get back into the habit of both. I'll probably start being a nicer person, so that's a benefit for all. 

Anywho, Imma do this thing! Feel free to judge me if I fail. Feel free to remind me that I'm doing this thing... 21 days to build a habit so the last 19 days should be smooth sailin'!