Friends

The last few weeks have been so so good for my soul. After having this nagging feeling of loneliness for the last few weeks, I think God took sometime to show me how loved I am. 

I was able to spend time in Boise hanging out with some amazing friends. Friends who listen, love, and remind me of how far I've come. 

I drank a lot of wine on a couch in my basketball shorts with an old friend turned new again. It was so nice to talk about where life has taken us the last few years, and even nicer to know that we are reunited (and it feels so good)! You can always tell people about your past, but there is just something about friends who have lived it with you. 

Then there was a night with a newer friend talking about life and politics while eating pizza and ice cream and painting nails. 

Then I spent a weekend watching a few friends start their life together with a bunch of friends that are do loving, caring, and freaking hilarious! 

Today, my brother moved in, so my house is a little less empty. I'm so fortunate to have such a good relationship with my brother, and am so excited for him and his new adventure! 

And in the middle of all that I've certainly felt the love of my friends at Crossfit! Where I almost always end up feeling warm and fuzzy. 

To be honest, it's not the way that I wanted my prayers answered, but it has worked out quite beautifully! 

Lonely

I imagined writing a post tonight, about being healthy while traveling... But I think there are far more important things for me to process. 

First, you should know that in feeling very refreshed right now. Good dinner with good friends will do that for you. It may also cause you to think. Think about life. Who I am. My struggles. My past. My future. 

For the past few months I've been struggling a little. Few know this, because I have a difficult time discussing my struggles. I also think that I've been taking on too many other people's problems (go figure) and have not felt comfortable sharing my own. Everyone else has enough problems, they don't need mine. BUT don't worry I'll still attempt to help everyone else. I'm kind of a dumb dumb... I know that I can't handle everyone's problems, but I feel like it's expected of me so I try... Then I begin to isolate. I feel so guilty when I can't help that I avoid the situation all together. 

Ironically, one of my biggest issues is that I feel so lonely. I know this sounds bizzare, I'm surrounded by people all day! I have great friends! How can I feel lonely? Yet, I do... I just am lonely, and it just sucks. I'm having a difficult time connecting to others. And it sucks. I really realized this when my parents we're gone over Memorial Day weekend. I quickly realized that the main person I talk to is my mom. Without my mom I have no one to talk to when I get home. I love my mom, but that's a shitty realization... 

I know I have friends, but I also know they have other priorities. Other schedules. Other things going on. I am alone in my stage in life, and I feel like few understand... 

I know that this is probably just a season, and I just need to wait it out. I'm getting a new Roomie soon so that should help. BUT idk that it will help me feel less alone. 

I don't know how to solve this problem. But it exists. And makes me sad. 

I blame a lot of it on Twin, but I'm not sure if that's the real issue. I do know that in Boise it's less rare to find someone 25, single, good job, has a house and a car, etc. In Twin that is rare. I am single without kids. I'm the minority. I'm excluded even when it's not intentional. It's crappy, and I'm over it.... 

:(

I'm OVERFAT!!! YAY!!!

Holy Moly! Today is such a good day!

I'm going for a trifecta today!

1. I PR'd my deadlift by 15#!!! No strength programs. No nothing. Just picked up a bar and said, "This feels good today!" and PR BITCHES!

2. I got freakin' AWESOME results from Eat to Perform!!!

3. I'm about to tell you how much I weigh. Yup! I'm going to do it! Why? Because I've come a long way from the day I wrote this. AND, I don't care if people know what I weigh. AND I think everyone should just stop giving two shits about what they weigh and should really strive to just be healthier, whatever that may mean to you. To me, being healthy is about feeling good in my own skin, being mentally strong, eating well (most of the time), building muscle mass, and generally just being AWESOME! We all should stop giving two shits about what people think about us. When I first started Crossfit I was ashamed to say I was a Crossfitter, because I didn't "look like one". Whatever the hell that means. I now realize that I look like a Crossfitter everyday when I do work outs. I look like a Crossfitter every time I put on my Nanos. I'm a Crossfitter, dammit. Whatever you do to be healthy. Whatever label you want... take it & OWN IT! In order for me to OWN IT and maybe inspire others to OWN IT... I'm about to put it all out on the table.

I weigh 239 pounds. Yup... That's just 11 short pounds away from 250. Which is half of 500. And I don't give a shit. AND I'm actually stronger today than I was 2.5 months ago. Here are numbers from 3/21/2014 and Today!

In case math is difficult for you... I put on 20.4lbs of muscle in the last 2.5 months. 

Ok, you can pick your jaw up off the floor now.

I also lost close to 10% body fat. 

Seriously... pick up your damn jaw. 

AND I gained 8lbs... which is totally cool with me!!! (Except now I have to eat more protein than before, which was not my goal when I stepped on the scale. Ha!)

I am so excited Eat to Perform has really been amazing. I have never had something work so well. The whole concept sounds absolutely nuts at first, but it is so awesome. I feel better than ever! I think every Crossfitter should give it a shot. It hasn't been easy. Somedays I've felt totally pudgy. Other days I was so full I wanted to puke. Somedays I was actually hungry (???). 

In addition to these numbers... I have been PRing like crazy. AND I can walk into any store and try on clothes. I know this sounds crazy to some, but I wanted nothing more than to be able to shop in any store I want. Now, I can! Things may not always look the best, but I'm not squeezing into things, or unable to zip things up. It's kind of dangerous though, because shopping is fun again! To me, these are the most important things. These are the things that make me comfortable in my skin. These are the things that give me confidence to try new things. These are the things that make me warm and fuzzy inside. 

I know that I am more than a body, but today I feel so good! I'm going to embrace that! :)