Closer to Epic

So think about this for a second…

Every romantic relationship in your life will fail except for one, if you’re lucky.

Seriously though, every relationship will fail except for a successful marriage… or a successful second marriage… or a successful third marriage… or… if you’re working on marriage #4 you should probably look inward to work on some things before you do that. Just sayin’.

There are a few exceptions…

1.       If you are in a romantic relationship and your significant other passes away. That’s not a failure, that is a terribly sad tragedy.

2.       If you are a polygamist. If you are a polygamist… this blog really may not be your thing. Just sayin’. ALTHOUGH, I do love watching Sister Wives, and I find it fascinating. So maybe you should stick around because I have like 18 billion questions for you!

Assuming none of you fall into those two categories… All but one of your romantic relationships will fail.

Now, I’m not really sure what successful relationship feels like. I’ve seen them. They’re beautiful. However, I’m pretty sure Mr. Right could be standing right in front of me with a sign on his head that says, “IT’S ME! I’M HERE!” &&& I’d be like… Huh… What am I going to have for dinner??? (Note: It would really be obvious if he was standing in front of me, because he’d have to be standing on my desk between me and my computer screen. Yes, I’m still pretty sure I’d miss it.)

I am getting fairly decent at spotting the WRONG ONE though. Those bastards definitely don’t have a sign on their head… Ass Holes… But if one or all of the following apply… It may be time to reevaluate. Why? Because I think it’s better to pull the Band-Aid off quick than to drag out something that will never work. I mean seriously. Do you really want to waste precious single time on Mr. Wrong? I sure don’t! I ain’t got time for that business. Also, I’m fairly certain that all of these are tried and true. Just to make sure I went ahead and tested all of them a few times. You don’t want to be the test dummy cuz it sucks. So listen up!

1.       You can’t be 100% yourself around the person without being afraid you’ll scare them away! Seriously, when you’re single you get advice like this. “Well, maybe you should just be… you know… a little less you. Just until he really likes you, then you can be the real you.” The problem? UMMMM HELLO!!! If this is going to be your ONE successful relationship, don’t you think that this special person is going to need to like the REAL you? I think so. He’s going to have to appreciate my loud, blunt, foul mouthed, forward, crocheting, liberal, Chihuahua loving, CrossFit adoring, emotional, passionate, dreaming, dorky, old lady self. Just is what it is.

2.       Life is more stressful with them in it (especially in the beginning). I’m no dumb-dumb. I know that relationships aren’t all rainbows and butterflies. Not even the successful ones. BUT if the first few months are stressful, filled with mind games and frustrations, and just plain stressful… THINGS ARE PROBABLY NOT GOING TO GET BETTER. It will just get more stressful. You have to have some kind of foundation… right?

3.       He doesn’t Crossfit. Ok… Ok… maybe not Crossfit in particular, but I have never really had much in common with anyone I’ve dated (if you can even call it that). I mean obviously we were all awesome (taking into account that I could find positive traits in a serial murder)… BUT really nothing in common. No common thread. It seems to me that the couples that are happiest like doing similar things, and I really like Crossfit. It would seem to me that finding someone who at least digs having a healthy lifestyle, eating well, and lifting heavy things is probably more necessary than I’d like to think it is. Either that, or they have to like crocheting. BUT if the only thing you have in common is that you’re cool in your own way… it may not work.

4.       If they’re an asshole. Don’t even give me this shit about… BUT he’s nice to me! An asshole is an asshole is an asshole. If you can’t bring him around your friends or family, because you know that he’ll offend someone… MOVE ON! And if he’s an asshole to everyone else… EVENTUALLY… he’ll probably be an asshole to you too.

5.       If they consistently make you feel like less than you are. You’re awesome. Obviously, or you wouldn’t be reading this. Only awesome people would keep reading my rambling for this long. Know you’re awesome. Embrace your awesomeness. And kick anyone who tells you or makes you feel less than awesome to the curb. Cuz you ain’t got time for that.

Yay for you if you’re still reading!

I expect to see a series of ended relationships on Facebook in the near future. Just kidding (no I’m not).

Listen though, don’t waste your time on people that are no good for you. We all deserve happiness, and there’s no shame if your happiness comes later than other people’s. I have this theory that the longer you wait the more epic your love story will be!

Getting closer to epic everyday!