Bye 2014

I'm certain tomorrow I won't have time to write, so tonight I'm reflecting on 2014.

I just can't even tell you the greatness this year has been.

As I get older I appreciate my family more. We get long better and have so much fun together. Living in Twin has allowed me to be a better daughter and sister. I love being so close. I also love that my family always has my back!

I'm not sure I could have chose better friends if I tried. They constantly inspire me to be better. To expect more of myself and others. They love without reservation, and they get me. I'm so fortunate to have them. Every year I seem to add more amazing people to my life.

Even though my life with school and work is crazy, I am so incredibly happy to have the opportunity to get my masters and pay mortgage at the same time. This time last year I never would have thought I'd switch back to social work, but here I am.

I think my passion and enjoyment for my job grows daily. As I am able to handle challenges better, I get to enjoy the successes more. My supervisor even pointed out that I can handle things better. No more crying or running to her for guidance every time someone is a jerk. I love social work. I think I was meant for this.

Oh, Crossfit. I know people don't understand and may never understand, but Crossfit changed my life. This year I've made progress I never dreamed. Crossfit has made me mentally and physically stronger. It also saves me from becoming crazy. I can't function without Crossfit or my Crossfit people.

It hasn't been all rainbows and butterflies. I lost my aunt this year, and there are always dark moments. I think that the dark moments help me to appreciate the good. I will miss my aunt but I'm so grateful that I got to check out the rodeo with her and spend time this summer.

I once heard that how you bring in the new year predicts the year to come. If this is true 2015 is going to be incredible! In the last week I've spent time with family, hung out with amazing friends, worked out with some favorites, AND tomorrow I get to watch one of my life long friends get married! Does it get better?

I'm hoping 2015 brings you love and peace!

New Year's Resolutions... The Struggle

I'm a fan of the New Year's Resolution. I really am. I've set and failed at many in my life, but I still love them.

I was epically successful in 2013 when I promised myself I'd look and feel better by 25.

That ends the list of notable successes.

Nevertheless I see no fault in reflecting on my not-so-perfect qualities and setting goals for improvement.

I think we all need goals. I write goals for the children on a regular basis. Which is completely against several therapeutic theories, but when you work for the man you do what he wants.

Anyways, so I know how to write goals. I'm good at it in fact. You want me to write a S.M.A.R.T. goal? I'm all over it.

The problem is that I have too many goals, and I don't want to set myself up for failure. I prefer success over failure.

Here are a list of things I want to do...
-Pay down my debt. For real.
-Eat better more often.
-Run more.
-Blog more.
-Show more gratitude.
-Pass my classes.
-Create world peace.

Ok... so the last one would be cool, but maybe that should be a life resolution.

I know that to be successful I need to monitor my progress and have measurable goals. I also know doing them all at once might cause steam to come out of my ears.

I'm thinking of having monthly goals or monthly themes.

With school it will be difficult to make leaps and bounds in any part of my life, but I want to do everything to set myself for epic successes in 2016.

I just have to.figure out how to do that...

Suggestions???

Human

Here's the deal about my own personal hell. 

I will get through it my way. 

I will cry.

I will eat or drink something I shouldn't.

I will occasionally look like hell.

I will be a bitch at times.

I will be an annoying negative Nancy.

I will be hard to love.

If you don't like these things feel free to ignore me. 

If I piss you off, get over it or move on.

I can only give my energy to so many things, and currently pleasing others is not on my list.

I'm human and I will allow myself to be human. 

Cry Baby

I don't know what it is, but Crossfit is totally an emotional outlet for me. &&& That means sometimes I cry.

I get so mad at myself!

I don't know if I cry simply because I'm tired, the WOD is hard, or because it's my safe zone.

I'm thinking the last one.

I walked in the box today feeling so good. I just completed another day!

Then it was like all the emotions I was trying to hide bubbled up.

Then I got mad at myself. Then it got worse.

For the most part I was able to hold it together, but shit dude.

I hope this isn't the next 6 months of my life.

I'm sure it'll happen more, but I hope it gets better.

I really am doing pretty good! Or so I thought.

Perhaps I'm just bottling my emotions...

Hot Generation of Old People

It's almost been 2 years since I started this journey towards being a better me. 2 YEARS!!! When I turned 24 I promised myself that I would look better by 25. That mission was accomplished! Now I'm rounding around the bend towards 26! 

I'm so old! Gettin' closer to that big Three Oh! 

Anywho, one thing that still boggles my mind is how I continue to plan workouts into my life. Some days it's easy! 

Today, I'm going to go walk the canyon with my mom. Crossfit is always a no brainer. If I can go, I will go. Simple as that. 

Other days, it's harder, but absolutely necessary. I get this urge. This feeling. This anxious, jittery feeling that I need to do something. If I don't do something I feel gross. Really gross. Bleh! 

It is just natural for me to work out these days. 

It's funny, because it was so hard at first. So hard to make that choice. So hard to keep at it. There were days where it was touch and go. There were days when I needed someone to say, "Stefani get your butt in here." There were/are days where I have the slowest, weakest, poopiest workouts. 

The difference between now and before? I did the work outs. I do the work outs. I will do the workouts. No matter how hard they are. No matter how much suck I have. No matter how I feel. I'll do them. 

I hope that everyone can get to this point. I hope that exercise becomes love for everyone I know. I don't care what form of exercise is chosen. Just that it happens. 

Considering that I may be single forever, I am really hopin' for a hot generation of old people as we age. I'll still need my eye candy at 80. :)

Blogging

I keep thinking about blogging. I love blogging. I have a million things to write and a million things I don't want to write. 

It's so conflicting. Ha!

I'm afraid of blogging while I go to school, because I fear it will get sad. I won't be able to suppress my frustrations and anger, and it'll come out in my writing. BUT I suppose it needs to get out of my head... 

So, I'm going to try to blog more, and get it all out.

Reflection Paper 3

NOTE: This is a reading reflection, so it's highly informal. I promise that I write far more formally on a regular basis. I had to stay around 3 pages, so it's pretty to the point. The first paragraph also had to be a summary of my readings. Finally, I am writing this for a religious university, so things are labeled as "religious" and "secular", please don't take offense to this. This is the language used in our readings, and it fits the audience this is written for, which in this case is my professor not my friends. Enjoy, and let me know if you see any major boo-boos! :) 

Stewart discusses how social workers can utilize Social Justice in their practice, and the ways in which it can actually be the core value for their practice (Stewart 2013). While social workers seek for social justice, so do individuals in their daily lives. This desire to achieve social justice, among other reasons, results in the human desire to be something bigger than themselves and be members of a community. These communities can take on several forms. There are religious and secular communities. People join a community to feel a connected to one another, to celebrate and mourn together, and to have a group of people that encourage one another. Religious congregations often provide a sense of community, and they develop the ability to provide informal human services to one another. Practitioners can use their roles to encourage and support the use of informal human services that are provided by congregations. These services are typically administered through friends, families, neighbors, and others within the organization, so practitioners must ask questions and attempt to understand what informal resources might be available and how their clients may utilize them. Religious organizations may also provide more formal services that the practitioner can utilize. These services can vary, as can their funding sources. Their goal is to provide people with services that align with their religious beliefs. Much like in informal systems practitioners should understand how these services are provided, and how they can effectively assist their clients in utilizing them. Ellor, Netting, and Thibault (1999) stress the importance of community and the importance that practitioners encourage community connections. They also discuss that the culture of the United States is becoming highly individualistic and is not encouraging people to participate in communities, though people still crave and need community.  (Ellor, Netting, & Thibault 1999).

I completely agree with Ellor, Netting, and Thibault that communities enhance the lives of others in one way or another. Even as I watch juveniles in my own practice, all too often they are simply seeking acceptance, support, and love. They often find that in communities of people, unfortunately the communities they choose are not always what we would define as positive influences. Many times the parents are living independently of any supports. They do not want to ask for help, they do not want to seek guidance, they simply want to raise their children on their own. Some choose the path because they seek to be individuals, free of the confines of group or community norms. Others seem to have chosen this path, because their path in life has not displayed any other options to them. These situations can be highly discouraging to watch, especially when you as a social worker recognize the need that the family has to be connected to others or the need they have for help from others. Regardless of these situations, however, my experience have shown me that there is still hope for our future as a nation and that people still seek and benefit from connected ness.

I not only believe that there is hope that we can build families and communities through connectedness, but that we can connect on one level while still valuing individuality on several other levels. Though they may not all reflect traditional religious models. In the last two years I have experienced two communities that not only fit Ellor, Netting, and Thibault’s (1999) description of community, but also encourage individuality. One of these communities was formed within the religious community and the other would be considered secular.  Both were organized very differently than anything I had experienced before, and encouraged individuality.

The religious experience was with a church called the North End Collective Church. This church illustrated the small group movement discussed by Ellor, Netting, and Thibault (1999). The church was composed of several house churches that would meet individually once a week and as a large congregation once a week. These house churches were held a variety of people from several different walks of life. In many cases the primary commonality between all the members was that they all wanted to serve their God in the best ways they knew how. Beyond that commonality each person was individual and unique and was loved for being so. Due to a move I am no longer an active member of that church, but I will never forget the beauty of the relationships in that church, there was honest communication, they supported one another through tough times, celebrated with others during good times, and always were willing to help one another out when needed.

The secular experience is my involvement with The Pack Crossfit. Though many would not consider this a community, I would argue that it fits the definition of community perfectly, and has provided a sense of belonging for a wide variety of people. Though we all entered The Pack to pursue fitness goals and many of us had no prior connections, we quickly learned that this was a community of much more than that. According to Peck the word community refers to (as cited by Ellor, Netting, and Thibault 1999) “a group of individuals who have learned how to communicate honestly with each other, whose relationships go deeper than their mask of composure, and who have developed some significant commitment to rejoice tougher, mourn together, and to delight in each other.” Though we all are very unique and individual, we exemplify this definition. Crossfit provides a forum in which we initially join each other in our successes and failures athletically, and that transfers into the successes and failures that happen in our day to day lives. We seek guidance and support from one another, and know that others in the community will give honest and wise input. We provide help to one another when needed, whether it means giving each other a ride to a car at the shop or helping to move entire families from once house to another. We also love to celebrate each other’s accomplishments and achievements in and out of the gym. We came for a fitness program, but many of us stayed because we found the community that we did not know we were searching for.

            Though these communities have come to being from two different perspectives and situations, they both give me hope that our society can build families and communities while also being individuals.  Despite what our culture says about the value of individuality, people continue to search for community. As social workers we can effectively utilize both religious and secular communities to help our clients, as long as we are willing to be open-minded regarding what a community may look like or how a community may show support to one another.  

References

Ellor, J. W., Netting, F. E., & Thibault, J. M. (1999). Religious and spiritual aspects of human service practice. Columbia, South Carolina: University of South Carolina Press.

Peck, S. 1987. The different drum. New York: Simon and Schuster.

Stewart, C. (2013). Resolving Social Work Value Conflict: Social Justice as the Primary

Organizing Value for Social Work. Journal Of Religion & Spirituality in Social Work, 32(2), 160-176.

It'll be ok...

So I'm chillin' at the hotel, motel, Spring Hill Suites! Watching NCIS (my fave) & full on Red Robin (Yuuuuuuum). Tomorrow I go to orientation. I'm so nervous. I'm so excited. I'm so nervous. Did I mention I'm nervous? Fear of the unknown kills me. I'm certain that it'll be worth it. I'm certain it will be painful. All of my usual confidence has left me. I feel insecure. I feel needy. I wish my Chihuahuas were here because I could use some snuggles. Or a hug. Maybe both. I feel a pretty alone in my anxiety... I'd feel very alone if it wasn't for my dear friend Jessica.

It really is a unique situation. I have an opportunity to reach my goals. I should be nothing but excited! BUT my goals require hard work. My mortgage requires payment. My car requires payment. I require sleep. I require exercise. Somethings going to give and I fear what it will be. It'll probably be my sanity. I know I can do it, because I have to do it. I have given myself no other option. I will keep all my balls in the air. Well, maybe not my sanity. People seem to not understand why I would do this to myself. The fact is, without this degree chances are I will never be more than I am. I refuse to top out at 25. Refuse. That being said, it is NOT helpful when people say things like, "That will be so hard." "I could never do it!" "WOW, I don't envy you!" Intentions are good, but not reassuring.

I just need to be told it will be ok.

Nut Case

The anticipation of school is becoming increasingly unbearable as the time draws nearer. It just needs to start! I'm dying! I've noticed some typical Stefani-isms beginning...

1. I don't want to talk about it, because I'll cry.
2. Being around people who love me sounds painful... cuz they might ask about it.
3. Anything outside of my "plan" or habits is extremely annoying and stressful.
4. I want to sleep, eat bad, or organize like a crack head.... at all times.

I know that the anticipation will be over soon. Then I'll be into a routine. For now, however, I'm a nut case...

New Goals = New Plan

Oooooeeee! What a weekend! I have so much to talk about. So many thoughts. So much good! BUT first, let’s talk about how I really suck at budgeting.

Well, I don’t completely suck, but I’ll do well for a while. Then my occasional “splurge” snowballs into spending like I am not a social worker. Except that I am a social worker… THUS, creating a problem.

Last week I decided to do the worst and best thing I’ve ever done in my financial life. Seriously, it was genius! And so very, very painful.

I wrote out every single place I spent money, and how much I spent for the last 3 months. I did it by hand. I felt ever last number. I won’t post a picture of my actual write out, but here’s a basic format I used.

Place		May		June		July		Total
Fred Meyers		1 Million Dollars		2 Million Dollars		My First Born		In Debt Forever
Costco		Does a Single		Person Really		Need to Buy		In Bulk
Shell		I’m Glad That		I Get Good Gas		Millage		Still Too Much

Seriously, the Fred Meyer numbers were BAD!

This taught me a few things.

1.       I like variety. There were few places that I spent money at in all 3 months. I apparently like to switch up my money spending environments.

2.       Apparently those $5-$10 purchases actually do add up. Quickly. Those are probably the ones that I justify the most too.

3.       I am never allowed in Fred Meyer without cash again. There is just too much goodness all in one store!

Currently, my ultimate goals it pay down/off my credit cards and get Lasik eye surgery. I anticipate that it might take a while, but it will be worth it. Here are 4 things I’m going to do in the meantime to work towards that goal…

1.       Meal plan. Meal plan. Meal plan. That way I am only buying food I need, and I only go into the store one time. The more I go into the store the more I am tempted by all the things on the shelves.

2.       I’m going to limit the stores I go to. My hope is that by going into the same stores all the “new and exciting” things I find in stores will become mundane. I, mean, if you’re always seeing the same things it has to get boring eventually.

3.       Everything I’ve read says “Use Cash!” So, I’m going to try to use cash at all stores. I refuse to give up my online bill paying.

4.       I’m going to be diligent in tracking my spending over the course of the next 3 months. I might even get more detailed. What items am I exactly spending money on?

I will get Lasik! If it’s the last thing I do!

Excited!

Recently I've started looking past getting my Masters and looking towards the possibilities that having my Masters will bring to my life. I am so insanely excited about the possibilities.

I think I'm ready for an adventure. Ready to get out of Twin Falls. Ready to see the world. Perhaps I'll move to another state. Perhaps I'll start a journey of moving to another state every five years. I don't know... but I'm getting stoked. I know that life is going to turn out even more awesome than I could have ever anticipated. All thanks to a piece of paper!

Selfish Much?

In preperation for starting school again, I've had to do many things. One of those things is to prepare mentally. I need to prepare myself for what is to come. 

I especially need to prioritize my time, stress, and emotion output. I try so hard to make everyone happy all the time. Disappointing people is the worst. I want to be supportive and caring for all those that I love all the time. Unfortunately, this results in me being very stressed and spread way too thin. Especially when you consider the ammount of stress and emotion I deal with on a daily basis just at work. 

For that reason I have decided that I'm going to be an incredibly selfish person for a while. Weeeeeeeeell, selfish might not be the best discription... But basically I'm going to avoid situations that stress me out or drain me emotionally. I'm going to become the queen of "no" and boundaries. I'm not going to put myself in a stressful situation for the happiness of others or to avoid the stress of others. 

That may not be a popular approach, but that is the approach I'm taking. I figure that those who matter most will understand and will understand my decision making. 

I'm also avoiding all planning. If things work out last minute, than things work out last minute. That's just life! 

Next Up On The Pursuit of Healthiness...

So, I haven't been thankful for a few days.... Don't worry, I'll do that next! For now I have something that I want to talk about more.

I have decided that I am a professional dieter. I have tried just about everything. As I get older and wiser, the things I've tried are based on a little more science and are supported by people that I see in real life. I don't just try things to try things. I try things that I hope will help me.

I have decided that pretty much ANY system can work for pretty much ANYONE, if the person is able to follow it as prescribed. The trick is for people to find what works BEST for them in their life style.

In the last year I've used Advocare and Eat to Perform. I love both of these systems for different reasons, and they both have significantly impacted my performance and my success. As I begin school, however, I don't know that I can continue to maintain either program. I know that I need to continue to eat well and I need to continue work out. If I don't do these two things... I will not be successful and I'll be a hot mess. I know myself well enough to know this. The biggest issue is that I am not going to have a ton of time to food prep and/or eat. I will be working 40 hours a week, and will be attending school for at least 6 hours on Saturdays this semester. I will also be taking 2 online classes, and I'll need to do homework and study. &&& I'm a stress eater. I know that this is the recipe for success, and if I'm not on top of things then I will end up back where I was a year and a half ago.

I've been getting some serious anxiety regarding this.

I am super stoked, however, because I think I found my answer! Isogenix! My friend is doing it, and she is doing fantastic.

Essentially, the Isogenix will cover 2 meals a day worth of shakes/supplements &&& all I have to do is make sure I have enough food for a few snacks and dinner. This is seriously going to make my life so much easier! I also know that there have been some crazy success from it. My package should be here soon, and I finally feel like I'm going to survive my master's program without adding 400 extra pounds to my body!

I still think that Advocare and Eat to Perform are wonderful systems though.

1. I think that Advocare 24 Day Challenge is the perfect kick starter for ANYONE who wants to push themselves to eat better, and get a good jump start. That challenge gave me the opportunity to completely learn how to eat better. I will forever been grateful for that.

2. Eat to Perform has given me so many PR's and has improved my performance so much. I love that it's all based on the food that you put in your body. I would love to go back on this system, but I just know that I will not be able to eat the amount of food I need to eat while I'm going to school. It just won't happen, and I'll freak out and fall into a slump.

I'm hopeful that Isogenix will give me an opportunity make sure that I am maintain healthy habits while I'm going to school. I'm also hoping that I can do some leaning up in the process. I am going to do a 30 day challenge soon, and I'm super excited! I'm hoping for some super results! Don't worry... I'll keep you updated!

In the mean time... I hope you all are searching for the system/diet/program that will work for you! Cheers to a healthier and fitter world!

Body Fail!

Look, 2 days in a row!

Woo!!!

I'm thankful for...

1. Nice Vet Techs! Fiona was a champ with her nail clipping today. I think it helped that I held her. I think I might ask to do that with OC next time. See if it helps.

2. Learning to stay calm, and take things with stride. I know I was thankful for this yesterday? a few days ago?... but seriously. It is so awesome. I feel super in control of my emotions.

3. For the fact that student loans are available so I can pursue my dreams. Granted, I think that I shouldn't have to pay the money back... BUT regardless... I'm glad I'm able to go to school!

-------------------------------------------------

So, this is an interesting experience. BUT today my body failed before my mind! I know, this sounds odd. Why the hell would I want my body to fail? The truth is, I like seeing how far my mind can take me. I love being mental strong just as much as I love being physically strong. Typically in a work out, I always freak out before I push myself to my performance ability. Especially it's hot. I've been working on endurance, however, so I've had to start doing 2 WODs on Tuesday and Thursday. Today my first WOD was good. I felt good. I moved quickly. I was mentally able to push myself. Then came the second WOD, and I was a little dehydrated. My calves were starting to cramp. Mentally I was ready to go. I wanted to kill that WOD... Physically... It just wasn't happening. Because I'm not an idiot, I made sure to scale back and take it relatively easy during the 2nd WOD. Not because I was freaking out, but because my body needed it. It was so frustrating that my body wasn't cooperating, but I was so excited that I had finally gotten to a point where my mind didn't stunt my ability. Boom! Put that in the "mental strength" record book!

This one time...

I said I was going to blog everyday. Then didn't... whoops!

However, I'm going to be thankful for 12 things (That covers Friday-Monday) today! The whole having one awesome story thing, is hard for me. I have a lot of things wonderful that happen everyday... I had a lot of awesomeness in my life this weekend. I just don't know if I can put it into words how freaking awesome it was.

I'm Thankful For...
1. My Crossfit family, and people that partake in awful team WODs along side me. Especially those who take their time to do some cheering in the end.

2. Friends who make me laugh until my abs hurt.

3. Friends who like to get their grooooooooooooooooooove on!

4. Friends who love Sushi just like me!

5. Old friends who have become new again and who come to hang out with me and my crazy Crossfitting friends. (Even though we may have reverted into complete Crossfit mode... whoops!)

6. Friends who drive, so I don't have to. &&& That I have friends with similar interests in being responsible when drinking.

7. Breakfast at Buffalo! (Yup, I did that with friends toooooooooooooooooooooooo)

8. Swimming, island making, and spending time outside. (Yup, more friends!)

9. People who make my friends happy and treat them right. That's an awesome thing to see, gives me hope for the same kinda magic in the future, &&& I don't have vote people off the island... which is great! (Voting people off the island is not fun.)

10. Waking up to sweet little puppies who love to cuddle.

11. My ability to stay calm in a situation that normally would have stressed me out. Turns out I'm getting older, wiser, and happier.

12. Baked Potatoes. Need I say more?

---------------------------------------------------------------

This weekend was pretty freakin' fun to say the least. I seriously have not laughed so long in a long time. I don't know how you can go wrong with a 4th of July party filled with laughing, booze, bacon filled guac, sparklers, and dancing! Or a Saturday after the 4th filled with sushi, and lady bonding. OR a Sunday after the 4th filled with more friends, laughing, and swimming. I felt so refreshed this morning. Which is so odd considering how much going I had goin' on this weekend. Perhaps my Ted Talk was right... If you are happy with your life you'll be happy with your job.

Cheers to being Positive Polly.

3 + 1

I was listening to this Ted Talk yesterday, and loved it. I love Ted Talks in General. If you ever need a pick me up or a new perspective or a little more info about something, you just need to find a nice solid Ted Talk to watch. I haven't watched a bad one yet!

This one is all about how you shouldn't base your happiness on success, and instead should base it just on being happy and being where you are in life. Which is such an interesting concept.... Just be happy and the world gets better!

He recommended a few things, but 2 of which I will be sharing with my blog.

1. To write down a positive story that happened in the last 24 hours.

2. To write down 3 things you are thankful for daily for 21 days.

I'm going to attempt to do that daily on here. No promises it will actually happen daily, but we'll give it a shot. Here it goes!

------------------------

Today I'm thankful for the fact that my brother cleaned my garage, that I work out at a place that I want to go to even when I'm not working out, and that my tattoo doesn't hurt too bad and turned out so good!

So, here's where this is going to get tricky. The good thing that happened in the last 24 hours isn't something I'm ready to share with the world yet. In fact at this point only 5 other people know about it, one being my brother and another being my mom. I will say that I had a nice evening of walking around, enjoying the canyon, eating Subway, and chowin' on some Kiwi Loco.

Friends

The last few weeks have been so so good for my soul. After having this nagging feeling of loneliness for the last few weeks, I think God took sometime to show me how loved I am. 

I was able to spend time in Boise hanging out with some amazing friends. Friends who listen, love, and remind me of how far I've come. 

I drank a lot of wine on a couch in my basketball shorts with an old friend turned new again. It was so nice to talk about where life has taken us the last few years, and even nicer to know that we are reunited (and it feels so good)! You can always tell people about your past, but there is just something about friends who have lived it with you. 

Then there was a night with a newer friend talking about life and politics while eating pizza and ice cream and painting nails. 

Then I spent a weekend watching a few friends start their life together with a bunch of friends that are do loving, caring, and freaking hilarious! 

Today, my brother moved in, so my house is a little less empty. I'm so fortunate to have such a good relationship with my brother, and am so excited for him and his new adventure! 

And in the middle of all that I've certainly felt the love of my friends at Crossfit! Where I almost always end up feeling warm and fuzzy. 

To be honest, it's not the way that I wanted my prayers answered, but it has worked out quite beautifully! 

Lonely

I imagined writing a post tonight, about being healthy while traveling... But I think there are far more important things for me to process. 

First, you should know that in feeling very refreshed right now. Good dinner with good friends will do that for you. It may also cause you to think. Think about life. Who I am. My struggles. My past. My future. 

For the past few months I've been struggling a little. Few know this, because I have a difficult time discussing my struggles. I also think that I've been taking on too many other people's problems (go figure) and have not felt comfortable sharing my own. Everyone else has enough problems, they don't need mine. BUT don't worry I'll still attempt to help everyone else. I'm kind of a dumb dumb... I know that I can't handle everyone's problems, but I feel like it's expected of me so I try... Then I begin to isolate. I feel so guilty when I can't help that I avoid the situation all together. 

Ironically, one of my biggest issues is that I feel so lonely. I know this sounds bizzare, I'm surrounded by people all day! I have great friends! How can I feel lonely? Yet, I do... I just am lonely, and it just sucks. I'm having a difficult time connecting to others. And it sucks. I really realized this when my parents we're gone over Memorial Day weekend. I quickly realized that the main person I talk to is my mom. Without my mom I have no one to talk to when I get home. I love my mom, but that's a shitty realization... 

I know I have friends, but I also know they have other priorities. Other schedules. Other things going on. I am alone in my stage in life, and I feel like few understand... 

I know that this is probably just a season, and I just need to wait it out. I'm getting a new Roomie soon so that should help. BUT idk that it will help me feel less alone. 

I don't know how to solve this problem. But it exists. And makes me sad. 

I blame a lot of it on Twin, but I'm not sure if that's the real issue. I do know that in Boise it's less rare to find someone 25, single, good job, has a house and a car, etc. In Twin that is rare. I am single without kids. I'm the minority. I'm excluded even when it's not intentional. It's crappy, and I'm over it.... 

:(

I'm OVERFAT!!! YAY!!!

Holy Moly! Today is such a good day!

I'm going for a trifecta today!

1. I PR'd my deadlift by 15#!!! No strength programs. No nothing. Just picked up a bar and said, "This feels good today!" and PR BITCHES!

2. I got freakin' AWESOME results from Eat to Perform!!!

3. I'm about to tell you how much I weigh. Yup! I'm going to do it! Why? Because I've come a long way from the day I wrote this. AND, I don't care if people know what I weigh. AND I think everyone should just stop giving two shits about what they weigh and should really strive to just be healthier, whatever that may mean to you. To me, being healthy is about feeling good in my own skin, being mentally strong, eating well (most of the time), building muscle mass, and generally just being AWESOME! We all should stop giving two shits about what people think about us. When I first started Crossfit I was ashamed to say I was a Crossfitter, because I didn't "look like one". Whatever the hell that means. I now realize that I look like a Crossfitter everyday when I do work outs. I look like a Crossfitter every time I put on my Nanos. I'm a Crossfitter, dammit. Whatever you do to be healthy. Whatever label you want... take it & OWN IT! In order for me to OWN IT and maybe inspire others to OWN IT... I'm about to put it all out on the table.

I weigh 239 pounds. Yup... That's just 11 short pounds away from 250. Which is half of 500. And I don't give a shit. AND I'm actually stronger today than I was 2.5 months ago. Here are numbers from 3/21/2014 and Today!

In case math is difficult for you... I put on 20.4lbs of muscle in the last 2.5 months. 

Ok, you can pick your jaw up off the floor now.

I also lost close to 10% body fat. 

Seriously... pick up your damn jaw. 

AND I gained 8lbs... which is totally cool with me!!! (Except now I have to eat more protein than before, which was not my goal when I stepped on the scale. Ha!)

I am so excited Eat to Perform has really been amazing. I have never had something work so well. The whole concept sounds absolutely nuts at first, but it is so awesome. I feel better than ever! I think every Crossfitter should give it a shot. It hasn't been easy. Somedays I've felt totally pudgy. Other days I was so full I wanted to puke. Somedays I was actually hungry (???). 

In addition to these numbers... I have been PRing like crazy. AND I can walk into any store and try on clothes. I know this sounds crazy to some, but I wanted nothing more than to be able to shop in any store I want. Now, I can! Things may not always look the best, but I'm not squeezing into things, or unable to zip things up. It's kind of dangerous though, because shopping is fun again! To me, these are the most important things. These are the things that make me comfortable in my skin. These are the things that give me confidence to try new things. These are the things that make me warm and fuzzy inside. 

I know that I am more than a body, but today I feel so good! I'm going to embrace that! :) 

Team Work Makes the Dream Work

Whoa, it has been a wild month or so. I've kept you all in the dark, but now I'm bringing you into the light! &&& I kinda need your help. 

Past

- A few weeks ago I started hearing rumors that a position in Boise might be opening that would allow me transfer. I was super stoked, because I really miss Boise AND because it would give me an opportunity to work on my MSW (Yes, I'm currently working on my MPA. I'll explain more later.) You see, my MSW wi require a 500 hour internship over the course of 2 semesters. This is about 20 hours a week, and I still gotta work. I have an advantage in Boise because I can do my internship at the facility and it would be more flexible.

- That didn't pan out. The position didn't open up. I was pretty bummed. 

- (The Silver Lining) In the process of me planning my move to Boise I discovered that NNU has a super awesome MSW program that schedules their classes in a way that allows you to work. ALSO, they have a satellite classroom in Twin Falls. 

- After much internal battle, because the internship will be more difficult here, I decided to pursue this. I found out that there are still Advanced Standing Openings in Twin for fall 2014. 

Present

-I've decided to go for it. I out application together yesterday, and have met all my requirements for application as of today. (I get shit done.) I do have to take a biology class this summer, but it shouldn't be terrible. 

- Why the change of degree? Those of you who know me best, know I like to change my mind. An MSW has always been on the table, but that damn internship and class schedule (through BSU) would have required me to quit my job. Now, that I know that the NNU program exists all the stars have aligned! I also am fortunate to have a very supportive supervisor who will work with me during my internship. She's encouraged me to get my MSW. I will likely complete my MPA after my MSW. 

- (This is where you help.) I need prayers and happy thoughts that they actually accept be this late in the game. I've talked with admissions, and it's looking good BUT I'll take any help I can get. 

Future

- (More Helping) This will be the most stressful 13 months of my life. I'll need some understanding, some encouraging, and someone to do my grocery shopping. (Too much?) I'll be grumpy, stressed, and will probably cry way too much. It will be my priority to get into the box, but I don't promise that I'm always happy or motivated to be there. Boise would have been easier logistically BUT Twin provides me with the support if my family and some amazing friends. 

I believe everything happens for a reason, and I think the possibility if moving to Boise reminded me that I am brave and shouldn't avoid things because they are scary. 

YOLO! 

Here's to next adventure (hopefully). 

PS: I have some internship leads, but if anyone knows awesome MSWs or LCSWs should let me know! 

Goals 'n' Stuff

Hi, my name is Stefani. I use to write this blog called Sassy N Stuff. Then grad school consumed my life.

Now, that I am done for the semester and it's summer break I have more time to write things I want to write. You should all be very, very excited!

I'm excited to have some more time for some new goals! Life is all about finding balance, but sometimes balance means that everything has to compromise a little to make room for everything else. This was my life during the last semester. I tried to balance school, work, and Crossfit... Most of the time I did well at giving them all an equal amount of my time. Over the course of the last month, however, I have definitely lost that balance (out of necessity) to focus on school. Now that school is done, I'm ready turn my focus back to other areas... ie: Crossfit!

I've worked hard, and I've come a long way... BUT I still have a long way to go. Here are my summer goals. I'm hopin' you all have my back in the process! Hold me accountable, yell at me for not following through, like my Facebook posts... That kinda thing. :)

Stefani's Super Awesome Summer Goals!
1. Run 4 Days a Week. (I'm going to develop a program of sort for this). 

 

2. I HAVE to keep working on box jumps and doubleunders. I know that I can do them both, but I can't seem to do them when I need to. Consistent practicing should help that. 3 Days a week I will spend 10 minutes (each) working on them.

3. Food... Food... Food... I've recently gone down the vortex of shit food... It's time to come back out. That means, I will plan out my food for each day, and all cheats have to be planned in advance. That means, I can't just run to the store and buy crap on a whim. Or I can't just go out to eat and order crap on a whim. I have to decide 48 hours in advance that I am going to cheat. (PS: this is a good trick. If I give myself time to plan out my cheat, I typically have a not-so-cheat-like cheat!)

There we go... My goals starting tomorrow through the end of August! I'm stoked to see my progress. I know that as long as I am serious about this I will make crazy progress! I'm probably going to even re-run my 5K and see how much I've improved!

Demented Adrenaline Junky?

So, I haven't blogged in a while...

Between school and work and Crossfit and sleep, I have got very little time.

I feel like today is a blogging kinda day though.

&&& It's my 100th post!

Say What!?!?!?!?!

Let's throw a party!

Actually, someone throw me a part. With glitter and wine and hot men that know how to swing dance.

Not that I actually know how to swing dance, but sometimes I like pretending and I'm good at following.

Takers? Takers?

Nope...

Anywho!

So, the mind of Stefani is full of thoughts and thoughts and thoughts and thinking and thoughts.

Sometimes when I say "Well, I thought..." My dad usually replies with..."Well, that's what you get for thinking." The fact is that thinking is overrated.

I'm decision making though, and I've decided that I have a terrible decision making process.

Well, maybe not terrible BECAUSE it works for me!

So... first I think about things for a while. It can be obscure, but I just consider things. Analyze them to death. Consider pros and cons. Look at every angle. Consider practicality. Decide where my priorities lie for this decision. Factor in the "YOLO!" and the "I am single with no kids, and I can do what I want!"

Then I close my eyes and JUUUUUUUUUUUUUUMP!

Now, here are a few major life decisions that I've made this way...

- Bible College. (that was a practice round, and not so successful)
- Buying a House.
- Starting Crossfit.
- Getting my Masters.

I'm going to say that 3/4 were successes means that I do pretty well. I also try to listen what some may call a gut feeling. I tend to believe it's more than that, but essentially the same thing. If I feel good about something I do it! If feel stressed out and torn up and think that it's a terrible idea... I don't.

Let's just say this newest decision isn't ready to go public yet because I'm anxiously waiting for a green light. But I'm feeling good about it and I'm uber ready for my next adventure!!! If this adventure isn't it... then I'll be keeping my eyes open! Because I can feel it coming!

(I'm also slightly concerned that I may me some demented kind of adrenaline junky. But that is a discussion for another day.)

Do I need those numbers?

Ok... I'm going to say it... 

I look effing fantastic. 

I posted this on Facebook on March 13. My one year Crossfit Anniversary. There are so many things in this picture that show me how far I've come.

- My lunge is all the way to the ground. 

- My face is way slimmer. 

- My boobs have shrunk.

- You can see definition in my back calf.

- My giant roll is less giant.

-I'm wearing shorts and a tank top! (Two things I would not workout in for the first little bit.)

It's all so exciting! 

Then there is this picture...

And this picture...

That dress is an Extra Large &&& it fits! I didn't squeeze in it. You couldn't see every indentation of every roll. I could breath in it. I could dance in it. I was 100% comfortable in that dress.

This time last year I would have been suffocating in that dress, assuming I could get it on. And it certainly wouldn't even begin to look good on me. 

I know that I have come SO FAR this year and I know that next year I will see these pictures say the same thing. (Because this story isn't over folks!!!)

There is still the ever present question... "How much weight have you lost?" 

As of November I had lost a total of 24lbs. My assumption is that I'm up to somewhere around 30lbs, but I have no idea. NO IDEA! 

The first time I allowed myself to be weighed in this journey was March 20th, 2013. Since then there have been a few teary weigh ins. Sometimes happy tears. Sometimes tears of frustration with myself because I had fallen off the wagon. This week I could get my official 1 year numbers, and I know that I've been doing really well lately.

For the last few weeks I've been asking, "Do I really want those numbers? Do I need those numbers? What would I do with those numbers?"

Do I want those numbers? Yes, I want to see how far I've come. &&& No, because if I haven't lost as much as I think I've lost I'll be super upset. 

Do I need those numbers? No. Those numbers will not change the fact that I rocked that dress last night. Those numbers will not change who I am. Those numbers will not be able tell me anything that I don't already know. I know when my diet is on and when it's off. Those numbers don't have to tell me that. 

What would I do with those numbers? Hide them or post them on here. Maybe brag about them. Maybe cry about them. Pretty much nothing productive. I wouldn't be proving anything that people can't see. I don't have a "goal weight", so the information is pretty much pointless to me. 

That being said... I will NOT step on the scale this week. I'm happy, why ruin that? I know what I need to do. I know what I'm doing. I'm just going to keep on keeping on.

If there is a reason to weigh myself sometime in the next year, I might do it. BUT for now I'm content with the progress I know I've made.

BAM! 

Church Choice

Blogging when I've been partaking in adult beverages isn't always my thing... But it is tonight! 

I kind of had a... Duh! Moment... 

So I'm sure some know this about me, BUT church gives me intense anxiety. Especially new churches. I know, I know... Why so I torture myself? Because I know that a supportive and loving church family cannot be replaced. I believe that the fellowship is important. I don't always see eye to eye with the Church, but I still believe that church has it's place. 

I have decided to go to church every Sunday of Lent, so I thought I would try some out... Last week I went to a new church and had super high anxiety. I spent the entire time holding back tears. I was just so nervous, intimidated, etc. It stunk. I could have gone with people, but I didn't want to feel obligated to continue there if I didn't enjoy it. 

Tonight, I was thinking about church tomorrow and where to go. I thought... If I have to go to church then I'm just going to Light House. I've gone a few times there. Then I thought... Duh! Obviously on some level I enjoy that church and feel comfortable there or I wouldn't want to go there. I had some reservations (that aren't blog appropriate), but I decided that it's not about those. It's about me and God and where I fit. I think that's where I fit. SO... Tomorrow I will be at Light House! Next year, maybe I'll get involved or something! 

I'm kind of excited to choose a church... Hopefully tomorrow is full of excitement and not anxiety... 

PS: I have read my Bible everyday of Lent incase you were wondering! 

1 Happy Year!

You give me smiles. 

You inspire laughter. 

You encourage me to be a better person. 

You stand by my side as I fight my demons. 

You help me remove "I can't" from my dictionary. 

You stand by me as I cried through the pain. 

You sometimes even join me in my pain.

You hear me sing and haven't voted me off the island (yet).

You watch me dance and still haven't voted me off the island.

You see me in my least attractive moments and still love me. 

You made me feel beautiful. 

You taught me to he confident in who I am.

You give me friendship I never knew existed. 

You are the longest, healthiest relationship I've ever had.

You are The Pack!

My love poem to The Pack! It's been a fantastic year with fantastic friends! Happy Anniversary! 

More than a body...

So I read a couple of blogs yesterday that ROCKED MY WORLD! (Here & Here they are!) Seriously, this chick like rocked my world. Everything she had to say was so true. It was like she climbed into my head through my ears and put my thoughts on paper. While our issues with our bodies aren’t the exact same… they are similar! &&& if there’s anything I’ve learned since starting Crossfit is that we all have our battles with our bodies. It doesn’t matter if we’re big or little. Everyone has the potential to have issues with their body.

So, yesterday I was talking to some friends about these articles, because we all have the same concerns. (See above sentence. Ha!)

 Then I was doing a lot of thinking about it all. (I always am thinking. ALWAYS!) My WHOLE life I’ve defined myself by my body. Now, I’m in a world where we still tend to define ourselves by our bodies! It’s much different, and I know that my friends that I work out with love me for more than my body (maybe). Still… When we look at our bodies, each other’s bodies, or even top Crossfit athletes’ bodies we still make comments. “Look at those abs.” “Man, I want her legs.” “Can I just be her?” It’s not bad, infect it’s completely positive and good. And I really don’t think it’s a bad thing. If the whole world could talk about bodies like that we’ll be better people.

BUT…

Then it hit me. I AM MORE THAN JUST MY BODY! Seriously, body love is great! Appreciating your body is super! Getting stronger is fantastic! Wearing smaller clothes is cool! BUT at the end of the day I am more than my body!

I am a social worker. I help kids! I am smart (though I lack common sense, ha!). I am out going. (I think) I am funny. I am nice. I am caring. I am the best damn Chihuahua mom.

I am SO MUCH MORE THAN MY BODY! Why do I continue to let my body define me? I always defined myself as “fat.” Now I take great pride in being “strong.” I take great pride in my developing ass. (Seriously, it’s going to be fabulous!) BUT my body fails me. Sometimes I get hurt. Sometimes my body just doesn’t work the way I want it to. Tomorrow a tragedy could strike and my lifting could go away. Tomorrow things could change. When I’m 80 my skin will be wrinkly. I’m pretty sure my fellow old people won’t care about the fabulousness of my ass. My hair will be grey. Regardless of what we do, there is still aging that takes place. If all I care about is my body, then what will have then? NOTHING!

I HAVE to be more than a body. We HAVE to be more than our bodies. Because at the end of the day, our bodies aren’t what matters.

I want people to know me as someone who is kind. Someone who made them smile. Someone who made their day brighter. Someone who helped when no one else would. Someone who was generous. That is far more important than what my body is. I always wanted to be more than the “fat chick.” Now, I need to remember that I am more than the strength of my muscles. I am Stefani and I am fabulous.

So, here’s what I did…

Yup, that’s right… I put hearts where my body is in my mirror, because I love my body… but I AM SO MUCH MORE! I am strong & I am beautiful! What I wear and what I look like means nothing in the grand scheme of things.

I hope everyone remembers… YOU are more than just a body!

Lent

I've been thinking hard about Lent and what to give up. 

Also, I've been thinking about this blog and how I was going to defend my decision to participate in Lent, given that I'm not catholic and have got to church 3-ish times in the last year. I also felt like I needed to defend my Jesus loving to people who don't love him. I've decided that I am not judgmental of anyone else's choices to participate in religion however they choose, and I hope that people pay me the same respect. We each do things our own way, so I'm going to continue to do things my way. I don't have to defend my decisions, and won't. 

That being said... back to my point... 

I've been thinking hard about Lent and what to give up. I just really couldn't think of anything... Well maybe I could think of things, and the willingness factor wasn't there... Very possible... I did, however, decide that I would be a rebel (you know, cuz I do me) and add something for Lent. 

For the next 40 days I am going to read the Bible, and every Sunday I will be in church. That will be the hard part. I already want to give myself excuses... You know... I'll be in church... Unless I'm sick... I'll be in church... unless I'm in Gooding... 

A. We all know that I don't like to be sick, and probably do more than I should when I'm sick anyways so not going to church is not a good excuse. (Ok if I'm puking or highly contagious I won't go, but that is over with so I should be good! &&& if that happens I have a super cool church who does podcasts)

B. If I'm in Gooding on a Friday night, I still manage to make it to Crossfit by 9 AM on Saturday SO I can probably make it to church in that situation. I also here that there are churches in Gooding, you know if I'm desperate. 

Why??? Because I do love Jesus. Church and the Bible keep me grounded. I need to get back into the habit of both. I'll probably start being a nicer person, so that's a benefit for all. 

Anywho, Imma do this thing! Feel free to judge me if I fail. Feel free to remind me that I'm doing this thing... 21 days to build a habit so the last 19 days should be smooth sailin'!